If a judge, guardian ad litem, or your attorney has said that you and your child’s other parent need co-parenting therapy, you probably have mixed feelings about it. Many parents arrive frustrated, skeptical, or worried that therapy will become one more place to argue. That’s understandable. In this post I’ll walk through what court-ordered or court-recommended co-parenting therapy actually involves, what it doesn’t, and what you can realistically expect to get out of it.
This post is part of my overview of court-ordered and court-recommended family therapy, which also covers parent–teen therapy and individual therapy or coaching for one parent.
What Co-Parenting Therapy Is
Co-parenting therapy is structured, goal-focused work with two parents who are raising children across two households. The focus is narrow and practical: how the two of you communicate, make decisions, and handle the day-to-day logistics of parenting so that your children aren’t caught in the middle. The relationship between the two of you matters only insofar as it affects your kids.
It helps to be clear about what it is not:
Why Courts Order or Recommend It
Family courts typically turn to co-parenting therapy when the conflict between parents, rather than either parent’s individual parenting, is the main thing hurting the children. Common triggers include:
- Frequent arguments at exchanges or in front of the children
- Communication that has broken down into hostile texts, silence, or messages passed through the kids
- Repeated court filings over issues that should be solvable between parents
- Disagreements about schedules, school, activities, medical care, or new partners
- A guardian ad litem or evaluator observing that the children feel caught between homes
Whether therapy is ordered (a formal requirement) or recommended (strongly suggested), the court is usually looking for the same thing: evidence that both parents are engaging in good faith and that the conflict is coming down.
When joint sessions may not be appropriate
Co-parenting therapy assumes that both parents can sit in a room, or on a video call, and participate safely. If there is a history of domestic violence, coercive control, or a current protective or restraining order, joint sessions may not be safe or appropriate. I screen for this with each parent individually before any joint session. In those situations we may use separate sessions, a parallel parenting structure, or I may recommend a different service altogether. Please tell me about any safety concerns during your consultation.
What Sessions Look Like
- Individual consultations first. I typically meet with each parent separately at the start. This gives each of you a chance to describe your concerns without the other present, and it lets me screen for safety and understand both perspectives.
- Ground rules and goals. In the first joint session we agree on ground rules (one person speaks at a time, no rehashing the relationship, no name-calling) and set two to four specific, measurable goals tied to what the court is asking for.
- Structured joint sessions. Each session has an agenda. We pick one or two concrete issues, such as holiday schedules or how to communicate about a medical appointment, and work through them using the skills we’re building.
- Practice between sessions. You’ll try out new communication tools in real life and bring back what worked and what didn’t.
- Progress review. We check progress against the goals regularly, so both of you, and the court if you authorize it, can see what has changed.
Sessions are usually held every week or every other week. Virtual sessions often work especially well for co-parents because each of you can join from your own home, which lowers tension. Whether telehealth satisfies your specific order is worth confirming with your attorney.
What We Work On
A communication system you can both live with
Most co-parents don’t need to talk more; they need to talk differently. We build agreed-upon rules for how and when you communicate: which channel you use (many families find a dedicated co-parenting app helpful), expected response times, what counts as an emergency, and how to keep messages short and businesslike. I often teach the BIFF approach developed by Bill Eddy, which keeps written messages Brief, Informative, Friendly, and Firm.
Keeping children out of the middle
We set clear agreements about the things that hurt kids most: using them as messengers, questioning them about the other household, criticizing the other parent in front of them, or asking them to choose sides. These agreements are often the single most important outcome of the work.
Transitions, schedules, and logistics
Exchanges are frequently where conflict peaks. We create predictable routines for handoffs, plans for schedule changes and holidays, and a shared approach to school events, activities, and medical appointments.
Decision-making and problem-solving
You’ll learn a step-by-step method for working through disagreements: define the issue, focus on what the children need, generate options, and agree on a decision and a check-in date. The goal is to solve problems before they turn into court filings.
Managing your own reactions
High-conflict co-parenting is stressful, and old hurts get triggered easily. Using tools from Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, and mindfulness-based approaches, each of you learns to notice when you’re getting reactive and respond in a way that serves your children. You can read more about my overall therapy approach and the types of therapy I use.
Parallel Parenting vs. Cooperative Co-Parenting
Not every pair of parents is ready to coordinate closely, and that’s okay. Part of our work is figuring out which structure fits your family right now.
| Parallel Parenting | Cooperative Co-Parenting | |
|---|---|---|
| Best for | High-conflict situations where contact reliably leads to arguments | Parents who can communicate respectfully most of the time |
| Communication | Minimal, written, and focused only on logistics | More flexible, including calls and joint planning |
| Decisions | Each parent runs their own household; shared decisions are kept to essentials | Parents coordinate rules, routines, and bigger decisions together |
| Events and exchanges | Kept brief and structured, sometimes at neutral locations | Parents may attend events together and handle exchanges casually |
| Goal | Lower conflict by reducing contact | Consistency for children across both homes |
Many families start with a parallel structure and gradually move toward more cooperation as trust builds. Either can be a successful outcome.
Hoped-For Outcomes
By the end of our work, I hope you’ll have a shared communication system you can actually use, fewer and less intense arguments over exchanges, schedules, and expenses, and a reliable way to make decisions without re-litigating the past. Most importantly, I hope your children will stop carrying messages or feeling caught between homes. You don’t need to become friends with your co-parent. You need to be able to parent alongside each other without the conflict landing on your kids.
Practical Details: Fees, Consent, and the Court
Both parents participate
Co-parenting therapy requires both parents to attend and sign consent. If either parent wants the children to join a session at any point, both parents must agree in writing, and in my practice children join sessions only when they are 13 or older.
Fees and court-related time
Before we begin, both parents agree in writing how session fees will be divided, unless your court order already specifies this. Anything the court process requires beyond sessions is billed at my hourly rate. That includes reports, letters, attendance summaries, communication with attorneys or guardians ad litem, record review, preparation, and court appearances or testimony, including travel and waiting time. These services are not covered by health insurance, and a retainer may be required.
What the court is told
With signed releases from both parents, I can confirm attendance and describe participation and progress toward the goals we set. I don’t assign blame, compare parents, or make custody or parenting-time recommendations. If one parent misses sessions or stops participating, I report that factually, within the limits of your authorizations. Keeping my role as your therapist, not an evaluator, is what allows both of you to be honest in the room.
How to prepare
- A copy of the court order or written recommendation
- Your current parenting plan or custody order
- Contact information for attorneys or the guardian ad litem, if I’ll need to communicate with them
- A short list of the two or three recurring conflicts you most want to resolve
Frequently Asked Questions
What is court-ordered co-parenting therapy?
Court-ordered co-parenting therapy is structured, goal-focused therapy for two separated or divorced parents that a family court has required them to attend. It focuses on communication, decision-making, transitions, and keeping children out of parental conflict. It is not couples therapy, mediation, or a custody evaluation. The aim is a workable parenting partnership that lowers conflict and protects the children, with progress the court can see if both parents authorize sharing it.
Do we have to be in the same room as each other?
Not necessarily. Many co-parents do well with virtual sessions, where each parent joins from their own home, which often lowers tension. In-person joint sessions are also available in Westwood, MA and Lee, NH. I meet with each parent individually first, and if there are safety concerns such as a history of domestic violence or a protective order, we may use separate sessions or a different approach altogether. Check with your attorney about whether virtual sessions satisfy your order.
What if my co-parent won’t cooperate or stops attending?
It’s common for one parent to be more reluctant at first, and early sessions are designed to build enough structure and safety for both parents to participate. If a parent repeatedly misses sessions or stops participating, I can report attendance and participation factually, within the limits of the releases you’ve both signed. I won’t characterize either parent’s motives or make recommendations about custody. Your attorney can advise you on how the court may respond.
How long does co-parenting therapy take?
It depends on the level of conflict, what the court order requires, and how quickly new skills take hold. Some orders specify a number of sessions; others ask for participation until goals are met. Many parents notice meaningful change within the first several sessions as communication rules and structure take effect. We set measurable goals at the start and review them regularly, so both of you can see progress and know when the work is nearing completion.
Who pays for co-parenting therapy?
If your court order specifies how costs are divided, we follow it. Otherwise, both parents agree in writing on how session fees will be split before we begin. Court-related time, including reports, letters, communication with attorneys or guardians ad litem, preparation, and appearances or testimony, is billed separately at my hourly rate, including travel and waiting time. These services are not covered by insurance, and a retainer may be required.
Will you tell the court which parent is the problem?
No. As your treating psychologist, my role is to help both of you change, not to judge either of you for the court. With signed releases, I can confirm attendance and describe participation and progress toward treatment goals. I don’t assign blame, compare parents, or make custody or parenting-time recommendations. Those questions belong to a neutral custody evaluator. Keeping these roles separate is what allows both parents to speak honestly in sessions.
Will our children attend co-parenting sessions?
Usually not. Co-parenting therapy is focused on the two parents, and keeping children out of adult conflict is part of the point. Occasionally it can help for a teen to join a session, for example to share how transitions feel. In my practice, children participate only if they are 13 or older and both parents have given written consent. If your order calls for therapy between a parent and child, that’s a separate service I also provide.
Ready to Lower the Conflict?
Schedule a free phone consultation. Have your court order or recommendation handy, and we’ll talk about whether co-parenting therapy with me is the right fit for your family. You can also return to the full overview of court-ordered family therapy services.
Schedule a Free ConsultationI am not an attorney and cannot provide legal advice. Please consult your attorney about the requirements of your specific court order.
Alan Jacobson, Psy.D., MBA, is a licensed clinical psychologist and Director of the Foresight Psychological Institute.
