Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT) is a form of couples therapy developed by Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt. The word “imago” is Latin for “image,” and in this context, it refers to an unconscious image we carry of our ideal partner, often shaped by early experiences with caregivers. The central idea of imago therapy is that people are drawn to partners who reflect both the positive and negative traits of their primary caregivers. In romantic relationships, unresolved childhood wounds can surface, and these dynamics can cause conflict. This is where imago couples therapy can help.
My Work with Imago Relationship Therapy (IRT)
I provide Imago couples therapy in my practice, often combined with other approaches such as Emotionally Focused Therapy or supportive-expressive therapy. It is a form of couples treatment that can be delivered virtually. The following post reviews Imago relationship therapy in detail, but if you want information about how it might benefit you or a loved one, feel free to reach out anytime or schedule a consultation.
Imago Relationship Therapy Process
Imago Relationship Therapy aims to help couples understand the underlying causes of their conflicts and create a deeper emotional connection. It focuses on transforming conflicts into opportunities for healing and growth. The process includes:
- Imago Dialogue: A structured communication tool where partners take turns speaking and listening with empathy. It involves three main steps:
- Mirroring: The listener repeats back what the speaker said to ensure understanding.
- Validation: The listener validates the speaker’s feelings by acknowledging their perspective.
- Empathy: The listener tries to empathize with the speaker’s emotions.
- Understanding Childhood Wounds: In Imago Relationship Therapy, couples explore how past experiences, especially from childhood, influence their current behavior and emotional reactions. The idea is that unresolved childhood wounds often lead to unmet needs in adult relationships. This is why imago therapy works best when one or both members of the couple suspect that events or relationships from childhood are casting a shadow on the current situation.
- Shifting from Conflict to Connection: Instead of seeing conflict as a problem, Imago therapy encourages couples to see it as an opportunity for healing. By understanding each other’s triggers and needs, couples can create a conscious, loving relationship.
- Intentionality: Imago couples therapy emphasizes being intentional in communication and behavior. Partners are encouraged to actively create a safe and nurturing space for each other, promoting a positive, growth-oriented relationship dynamic.
Imago Relationship Therapy is used for couples who want to deepen their connection, heal emotional wounds, or overcome persistent conflict patterns. It is often viewed as a highly structured yet empathic form of couples counseling.
Imago Couples Therapy Techniques
Imago Relationship Therapy uses various techniques to help couples improve communication, deepen emotional intimacy, and heal unresolved wounds from childhood that manifest in adult relationships. Here are some of the core techniques of IRT that I choose from:
1. Imago Therapy Dialogue
This is the cornerstone of Imago therapy. It provides a structured framework for couples to communicate, fostering understanding, empathy, and connection. The dialogue consists of three steps:
- Mirroring: One partner speaks while the other mirrors or repeats back what was said. This ensures the speaker feels heard and understood. For example, “What I hear you saying is…”
- Validation: The listener validates the speaker’s perspective, even if they don’t agree with it, by saying something like, “That makes sense to me because…”
- Empathy: The listener tries to empathize with the speaker’s emotions, saying something like, “I imagine you might be feeling…”
This structured communication helps both partners feel acknowledged, reducing defensiveness and increasing emotional safety.
2. IRT Parent-Child Dialogue
This imago therapy technique explores how unresolved childhood issues may contribute to current conflicts. Partners discuss their early childhood experiences with their primary caregivers and the emotional wounds they may still carry. By understanding the “Imago” (the image of their caregivers they carry into relationships), partners can recognize how these unresolved issues play out in their current relationship dynamics.
3. Behavior Change Requests
This imago relationship therapy technique focuses on making specific, actionable requests for change. Partners are encouraged to identify one or two behaviors from their partner that trigger frustration or emotional pain. They then express these requests in a non-judgmental, non-demanding way, and the partner is asked to agree to meet the request. This encourages couples to move from vague complaints to concrete steps toward change.
4. Imago Relationship Therapy and Caring Behaviors
Couples are asked to identify simple, caring behaviors that make them feel loved and appreciated by their partner. These can be small, thoughtful actions like giving a hug, making coffee in the morning, or leaving a kind note. The goal is to nurture emotional connection through daily acts of love and consideration.
5. The Imago Relationship Therapy Stretching Exercise
This imago couples therapy technique encourages partners to step outside of their comfort zones to meet their partner’s needs. The idea is to “stretch” oneself by doing something that may not come naturally but is important for one’s partner’s emotional well-being. For example, if one partner values quality time and the other finds it difficult to prioritize, the latter might stretch by spending more focused time together.
6. Re-Imaging Your Partner
This imago therapy exercise helps partners move away from negative perceptions by focusing on their partner’s positive qualities. Partners are asked to consciously reframe their thinking, focusing on what attracted them to their partner and appreciating their strengths. This helps counteract negative thoughts and fosters a more positive emotional climate in the relationship.
7. IRT for Healing Old Wounds
A crucial part of Imago therapy is recognizing how childhood wounds manifest in adult relationships. Partners are guided through exercises that help them heal these old wounds by providing each other with what was missing in childhood (such as emotional validation, affection, or attention). The goal is to foster a more nurturing and emotionally supportive relationship.
8. The Intentional Imago Relationship Therapy Dialogue
This is a more advanced version of the Imago Dialogue, where couples practice talking intentionally and deliberately. It emphasizes active listening, empathy, and understanding, and encourages couples to be fully present during conversations. Intentional dialogue also emphasizes avoiding reactive or defensive behavior, instead focusing on openness and connection.
9. IRT Vision of the Relationship
In this IRT technique, couples are guided to create a shared vision of their ideal relationship. By articulating what kind of relationship they want to build, they can align their goals and take conscious steps toward achieving that vision together.
10. IRT and Daily Gratitudes
Couples are encouraged to express daily gratitude toward each other. They may begin or end their day by sharing three things they appreciate about their partner. This simple practice fosters appreciation and helps maintain a positive emotional atmosphere in the relationship.
11. Conflict as Growth Opportunity
Imago Therapy reframes conflict not as something to be avoided but as an opportunity for growth. Couples are guided to explore the deeper issues underlying their conflicts and to use these moments as opportunities for healing and understanding.
When practiced consistently, these IRT techniques aim to transform relationships by deepening emotional connection, improving communication, and fostering mutual growth and healing.
Imago Therapy Example
Here’s a fictitious example of how Imago Relationship Therapy might play out with a couple, using one of its core techniques, the Imago Dialogue.
Imago Therapy Scenario:
Sarah and John are a couple experiencing recurring conflicts over John’s long work hours. Sarah feels neglected and unimportant, while John feels pressured and misunderstood because he’s working hard to support the family.
Imago Relationship Therapy Steps
In each of these steps in Imago Couples Therapy, my role would be to guide the conversation. Over a few sessions, I would work to fade back and let them use newly acquired techniques and approaches.
Step 1: Imago Couples Therapy Mirroring
Sarah: “When you come home late from work every night and don’t text me to let me know, I feel really hurt. It feels like your job is more important than our relationship, and I start feeling like I don’t matter to you.”
John: “What I hear you saying is that when I come home late and don’t text you, it makes you feel hurt, like my job is more important than our relationship, and it makes you feel like you don’t matter to me. Did I get that right?”
Sarah: “Yes.”
This mirroring step helps Sarah feel heard and acknowledged, which can defuse some of the emotional charge.
Step 2: Imago Couples Therapy Validation
John: “It makes sense to me that you would feel that way. I can see how my not communicating makes you feel like you’re not a priority, especially because you’ve told me before how important time together is for you.”
By validating Sarah’s feelings, John shows that he understands her perspective, even if he doesn’t entirely agree. This validation helps Sarah feel less defensive and more open to further conversation.
Step 3: Imago Couples Therapy Empathy
John: “I imagine that when I come home late without letting you know, you might feel lonely or unimportant, and that’s painful for you.”
Here, John empathizes with Sarah’s feelings, going beyond just repeating her words to acknowledge the emotional impact. This empathy creates emotional closeness and trust, helping Sarah feel connected to John.
Step 4: Sarah’s Response
Sarah: “Yes, I do feel lonely sometimes, and it reminds me of when I was a child. My dad worked long hours too, and I rarely saw him. So when you come home late without telling me, it brings up those same feelings of neglect.”
At this point, Sarah can share how her childhood wound is being triggered. She recognizes that her deep emotional reaction isn’t only about John’s actions, but also about unresolved feelings from her past.
Step 5: John’s Response (Using Empathy Again)
John: “I didn’t realize that my behavior reminded you of that painful time with your dad. That must be really hard for you. I can see how that would make you feel even more upset when I come home late.”
John now understands the deeper emotional connection behind Sarah’s frustration and can approach the situation with more sensitivity.
Step 6: Behavior Change Request
Sarah: “I would really appreciate it if you could text me when you know you’ll be home late. That way, I won’t worry as much, and it will help me feel like you’re thinking about me.”
John: “I can do that. I’ll text you if I’m going to be late. I can also try to finish up earlier so we can have more time together.”
By the end of this exercise, John has a concrete action he can take to ease Sarah’s concerns, and Sarah feels more understood and emotionally connected to John.
Imago Couples Therapy Outcome
Through this Imago Dialogue, Sarah and John transform what could have been a hurtful argument into a healing conversation. Sarah feels heard and validated, and John better understands why Sarah reacts like she does. This leads to an opportunity for both partners to grow, both individually and together, as a couple.
By recognizing how childhood wounds and unmet emotional needs influence their reactions in the relationship, both partners can use conflict as a path to deeper connection and healing.
Summary and My Work with IRT
Imago therapy is not for every couple. It is best used when you are willing and motivated to dive into the past to see how it is affecting your relationship, particularly if you sense that past relationships in your family may be having a profound effect today. This form of couples or marriage counseling can be delivered online. It is an excellent approach for premarital counseling in many cases and a core part of the relationship therapy I provide to married couples.
If you’d like to discuss any of this and how it might benefit you and your partner, feel free to contact me or schedule a consultation.
